Fake News

BREAKING NEWS

Ruritania Declares War on Freedonia Over Disputed Cheese Plateau

Wire Desk

Troops mass along the Gruyère Line as diplomats exchange final insults.

STRELSAU, Ruritania. The Ruritanian parliament voted 201 to 3 this morning to declare war on neighboring Freedonia, ending a decade of uneasy peace over the high plateau where both nations age their cheese. The three dissenting votes were reportedly cast by members who had not finished lunch.

Freedonia's prime minister called the declaration "regrettable, and also rude," and ordered the national herd moved to lower pastures. A Freedonian spokesman said the country would respond "proportionately, and with excellent cheese."

Observers from the League of Small Nations urged both sides to return to the negotiating table, which is itself located on the disputed plateau.

Sourdough Starter Turns 200, Receives Key to the City

Food & Culture

The starter, known as Gerald, has outlived eleven mayors and one bakery.

The mayor presented a ceremonial key to the city on Thursday to Gerald, a sourdough starter believed to have been fed continuously since 1826. Gerald did not attend the ceremony, as he is kept at 4°C, but was represented by his current custodian, who accepted the key on a plate.

City historians say the starter has passed through at least fourteen households and was briefly held as collateral by a bank in the 1930s. "He's been through more than most of us," the mayor said. "And he's still rising."

Scientists Confirm Cats Understand Physics, Simply Decline to Use It

Science

A four-year study finds the knowledge is there. The motivation is not.

Researchers at the Institute for Feline Studies reported Friday that domestic cats possess a working model of Newtonian mechanics, including gravity, momentum, and the behavior of objects near the edges of tables. The finding, the authors write, "resolves the question of whether cats know what will happen. They know."

The study tracked 212 cats over four years and found that a cat's accuracy in predicting where a pushed object would land was "essentially perfect," and that this accuracy had no measurable effect on whether the cat pushed it.

Library Late Fees Now Payable in Book Reviews

Local

One paragraph per day overdue. Spoilers cost extra.

The public library will accept written book reviews in place of late fees beginning next month, the head librarian announced. Each day overdue can be worked off with one paragraph of "honest, considered opinion" about the book in question.

Reviews that consist mainly of the phrase "it was fine" will be assessed at the standard cash rate. Patrons who spoil the ending will be charged double and asked to explain themselves.

Bridge Reopens After Missing Bolt Found in Engineer's Pocket

Infrastructure

"I was going to put it back," the engineer said.

The Fourth Street bridge reopened to traffic Monday morning, six days after a routine inspection found one of its 4,800 bolts missing. The bolt was located Sunday evening in the jacket pocket of the inspecting engineer, who said he had removed it "to look at it" and then been called to lunch.

The bridge authority said the structure was never in danger and that the bolt was "more of a formality." The engineer has been asked to empty his pockets before leaving future inspections.

Marathon Rerouted Through Bakery; Times Slow, Spirits High

Sports

Organizers call it a course-design error. Runners call it the best mile.

A mapping error sent all 6,000 runners in Sunday's city marathon through the front door of Hollis Family Bakery at mile 19, out the back, and across the loading dock. The bakery, which had not been informed, sold out of everything by the 2,000th runner.

The winning time was forty minutes slower than last year. The winner, who finished holding a croissant, said he had no complaints. Organizers said the route would be corrected next year, over the objections of nearly everyone.

Startup Raises $40 Million to Reinvent the Spoon

Business

The new spoon is app-controlled, subscription-based, and, in early tests, a spoon.

Ladle, a two-year-old startup, announced a $40 million funding round Tuesday to bring its "connected spoon" to market. The device pairs with a phone, tracks soup intake, and locks after the user's daily allotment unless a premium tier is purchased.

Asked how the product differs from a spoon, the founder said, "Fundamentally, it doesn't. But this one knows."